A Special Day

I had totally forgotten about this day, November 2nd and it was too late when i remembered. Had I been with the company I started off with, I would have completed 5 years of professional life in the software industry with an MNC. Of course, I do have my counterparts in the same place probably savoring the day and the memories. 5 years ago on a cold winter, I started my career in Mumbai, the city of dreams. City of dreams indeed it was, giving me the only one thing i never had in my entire life, FREEDOM. When i look back, i cannot but wonder at my courage in giving it a go. And go it did, never stopping once. I admit that i changed somewhat in my personality and outlook when i was in college. And changed a bit more after I started working. Like one of my friends remarked, change is one thing that is constant about me. People have this annoying habit of getting used to the person you were some 10years ago. They never account for variable change & in most cases cannot digest that change. It is so confusing when everybody says you changed & you get confused because you who people thought they knew, was not you. It was what they wanted you to be, like a bird not having the space to spread its wings. When you are no longer bound by rules & stereotypes, you tend to discover the real you. It's sad when you realize that you didnt know yourself to start with. I did not know anyone when i landed there with my uncle who was my guardian and he had to see to it that I got settled. I dont think i made any friends till the point we moved to a flat nearby. I think i was queer & weird & strange & definitely an introvert. When i look back i know that Mumbai was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point of time. I made a friendship which is very fruitful & still have great memories of us. She changed me in more ways than one, like smoothening the sharp edges. She gave me the courage to try out new things & more importantly let go & just live. I dont think i would have had the guts to go out at 9 in the night in my home town. But here we were, admiring Queen's necklace at midnight, eating roast corn seasoned with lime juice & salt & pepper. Life was never so beautiful nor was freedom so exhilarating. Office didnt mean much more than a place where you'd get money if you did the right things. When we are small, our parents would frequently ask this question " What do you want to b when you grow up?". Being grown up seemed a distant dream & I always thought i should have money of my own, no matter how little, or by what means, but something to call my own, from the sweat of my brow. Like everybody else, i too made some money out of my onsite stint, but that money is very close to my heart because of the pain, anguish, sorrow & loneliness i ad to endure to make that money. Bangalore was in no way comparable to Mumbai, mainly because the people who made that difference were no longer there. After a while, you realize that you need to settle down, make sacrifices, be with your family more & everything else fades into the background. Nothing else seemed more important. And then there came a phase when everyone I knew was getting hooked/committed/married & then after a while they started having kids while here I was still in the same old place. I had this vision of how we all started off in kindergarten & then one by one people graduated to primary school , upper primary & high school & finally passed out, while I was still on alphabets in kindergarten. Like they say every dog has a day & mine came too albeit late. here I was, married to someone abroad (well, it was my secret dream) but jobless. at every point in life, you need to choose between one thing and another. What ifs & buts seem to be omnipresent in every nook & corner of life. I miss having a job now, miss having my own money to spend, miss my independence. I miss having to wake up in the morning, whiz around the house trying to get ready on time & everything else that come with an office life. On the flip side, I have a husband who loves me for what I am, i have all the time in the world to simply unwind or relax or cook & also for my idle useless mind to be a devil's workshop. His b'day is coming up next month & I regret being so dependent on him, so much that I cannot give him a surprise gift. I cannot possibly get him anything because he will have to get it for himself. Every birthday that I was extensively involved with, after I had a job, had a lot of thought & effort and it did happen though by then the wedding was fixed. God has a strange way of getting things done & looks like he has a plan for everybody.